Dr. McNeal and Dr. Hoffman and all the girls at the place you got all too familiar with over the past five months sent a condolence card to me, which arrived today. The entire staff at the hospital where we said goodbye did too, and it also arrived today. I hurt in my heart reading them, and I missed you in that moment more then I have allowed myself to miss you thus far. I knew I needed to cry really bad, but I wouldn't let myself, or I just couldn't, and that made the pain deeper.
Your friend MK called me, and only then was I ready, only then could I let it out. I cried into my hands, with her just there, listening. She and I aren't going to be as close as we were, at least not in the same way, but she was there for me in the only way she could be, because I needed her. Which is what happened when you went to sleep for the last time. It's in these times that I need her the most, but her living in flux on the Peninsula just doesn't make it possible, forcing us to realize we really can't be together in the way we want to be. She was great with you though, wasn't she Poppy? Remember that contraption she made for you out of an old lady's walker? Poor boy, your hip displasia sure made eating and remaining vertical for 20-40 minutes our biggest obstacle as we fought this disease, but she tried, didn't she? And I loved her for it.
*Sigh* Did you know I touch your urn every day, several times a day? Not when I pass it by, but on purpose, for no reason, I'll just find myself there with my hand over your name. Sometimes I run my finger along the imprint of your paw, and I wonder where you are, really. I wonder why you had to get this illness, why you had to get sick, why you had to die, why you had to leave me. It's not fair I want to scream, and would if I could. I hope you know I did everything I could for you. And I never wanted to let you go Pal. Not ever.
*Head in hands* I'm meeting with JK again. She's helping me deal with the grief and, well the other stuff I have to work on. During our session this week, a little birdie flew up to the open window ledge, and sat listening as I spoke. When she pointed him out, I looked up. As she started to say how she has been in that office for seven years and always opens the window in the summer and has never had a birdie come there and perch like that, how curious it was that he sat there listening, turning his head this way and that as I talked.... Well it was right then that I had a feeling that little birdie was you.
Showing posts with label Riley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Riley. Show all posts
Friday, June 1, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Dear Riley,
The emergency hospital called with news today. Your *remains* were ready to be picked up.
I knew this day would be hard. The final nail in the coffin so to speak.
This was it Buddy. You were never coming home to me. Ever. Again.
My best boy, now reduced to ashes in a box. Or in something. I haven't had the heart or nerve to look inside the nice white paper bag they handed me as I signed on the dotted line. "Best to wait for Bird & Mother Hen" I reasoned with myself "so we can pay proper tribute to you being reunited with us in a different form."
Damn you ME and your partner in crime AP. We will never forgive you. Ever.
Why man, why did this have to happen to you? To us? Damn.
It's not your fault Pal, it's not anyone's fault, but I am still so sorry. You were such a good boy, the best, and you can be proud of the dog's work you did here on Earth.
*Head in Hands*
I sure do miss you Ri.
You, as we knew you, will never be back. But we have more then just happy memories now, now we have a physcial symbol that represents your beautiful doggy form to go with the feeling of your presence that has followed us, your Pack, your family, since you were taken away so abrupty.
That is where you will remain. Always. *Right here* holding my hand over my heart.
I'll never forget you Riley.
Oh God Oh God Oh God
I knew this day would be hard. The final nail in the coffin so to speak.
This was it Buddy. You were never coming home to me. Ever. Again.
My best boy, now reduced to ashes in a box. Or in something. I haven't had the heart or nerve to look inside the nice white paper bag they handed me as I signed on the dotted line. "Best to wait for Bird & Mother Hen" I reasoned with myself "so we can pay proper tribute to you being reunited with us in a different form."
Damn you ME and your partner in crime AP. We will never forgive you. Ever.
Why man, why did this have to happen to you? To us? Damn.
It's not your fault Pal, it's not anyone's fault, but I am still so sorry. You were such a good boy, the best, and you can be proud of the dog's work you did here on Earth.
*Head in Hands*
I sure do miss you Ri.
You, as we knew you, will never be back. But we have more then just happy memories now, now we have a physcial symbol that represents your beautiful doggy form to go with the feeling of your presence that has followed us, your Pack, your family, since you were taken away so abrupty.
That is where you will remain. Always. *Right here* holding my hand over my heart.
I'll never forget you Riley.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Four Days Later ...
And the Earth is still spinning, I've managed to continue functioning, I sense him with me but more then ever I miss his physical presence. The faces he made, the attention he demanded when I was focused on another Pack member, the way he "spoke" to me in a way uniquely his, the way he caught flies midair, the way he would cut M.W. off from bringing me a ball so that *he* could bring it to me, the way he guarded me and his other people and "protected" Bird from her BF, even the way he tortured the cats, and wanted to assist in the kitchen.
He was a great dog, a wonderful companion, and the best friend I have ever had. It's sad, but when D1 and I were in marriage counseling, I once told our therapist during an individual session that I didn't need my wife, as long as I had my dog.
And now I have neither.
Still, I take comfort in talking about him, even though I am careful to do it in the past tense, I enjoy writing messages to him by way of The Universe with the understanding that he cannot answer, and I cherish the years we had together even though it was not nearly as long as it should have been.
Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? i iiii
Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
He was a great dog, a wonderful companion, and the best friend I have ever had. It's sad, but when D1 and I were in marriage counseling, I once told our therapist during an individual session that I didn't need my wife, as long as I had my dog.
And now I have neither.
Still, I take comfort in talking about him, even though I am careful to do it in the past tense, I enjoy writing messages to him by way of The Universe with the understanding that he cannot answer, and I cherish the years we had together even though it was not nearly as long as it should have been.
Ooooo oooooo ohoohohoo
Ooooo ohooohoo oooohoo
Ooooo ohoohooo oohoooo
Oohooo oohoooho ooooho
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby ii ii iii
Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh ooooh
Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me ee ee eeh
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops thats where you'll find me oh
Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? i iiii
Well I see trees of green and
Red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Well I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white
And the brightness of day
I like the dark and I think to myself
What a wonderful world
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people passing by
I see friends shaking hands
Saying, "How do you do?"
They're really saying, I...I love you
I hear babies cry and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more
Than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world (w)oohoorld
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney top that's where you'll find me
Oh, Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I? I hiii ?
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Ooooo oooooo oooooo
Monday, May 21, 2012
The End That Finally Came
My Pack is in mourning. My best friend, my shadow, my sweet Riley Love has fallen into forever sleep.
Five months of episode after episode of regurging, another 4 lb loss in a week for a total of nearly 30 lbs, then finally green mucous appearing suddenly in his nostrils coupled with trouble breathing, and The Awful Decision I didn't know how I would make, was made for me.
It was Aspirated Pneumonia, the emergency room veterinarian confirmed. The prognosis, she said gently, was not promising. $2k for treatment during the first 24 hrs, with him being released at that time highly unlikely. "We would only be treating this episode of AP. There is no guarantee that it won't return in a month, or next week. The megaesophogus of course complicates his treatment and his hope of recovery."
This was it. Oh God Oh God Oh God. I summoned my kids while the ER staff prepared him for our goodbye.
Having received oxygen immediately upon our arrival, in addition to the stress of his separation from me, the insertion of the catheter, and the sickness that was attacking from his lungs, and my boy came to us confused, distressed, and clearly afraid.
I called him to me and he came, relieved to be reunited with his Pack Leader. Panting and breathing heavily, he looked from face to face, comforted by the presence of his Pack - perhaps realizing his fight was now going to end. Finally.
My baby. My buddy. My first dog since childhood. The puppy who saved me from heartache four years ago, the beautiful, innocent, sweet companion who never left my side was now needing me to save him - despite the heartache it would bring back to me.
Stroking him, holding him, praying for peace at last, I told him he didn't have to suffer now, that he wasn't going to be sick any more or ever again, that he could once again enjoy peanut butter kongs, meaty flavorful bones, and all the food and water he needed to fill his belly. Knowing it would never equal the heart full of unconditional love he never ceased to show me.
He licked the tears from my face, from Bird's face, and looked again at each of us as Bird rocked him in her arms, crying. Looking into the rich brown eyes already draining of life, I said good night to my boy.
There, in Bird's arms, he fell.
Oh Riley. You will be forever in my heart, your place in our Pack will always be honored, and you will never cease being my best friend.
I love you Pal.
Five months of episode after episode of regurging, another 4 lb loss in a week for a total of nearly 30 lbs, then finally green mucous appearing suddenly in his nostrils coupled with trouble breathing, and The Awful Decision I didn't know how I would make, was made for me.
It was Aspirated Pneumonia, the emergency room veterinarian confirmed. The prognosis, she said gently, was not promising. $2k for treatment during the first 24 hrs, with him being released at that time highly unlikely. "We would only be treating this episode of AP. There is no guarantee that it won't return in a month, or next week. The megaesophogus of course complicates his treatment and his hope of recovery."
This was it. Oh God Oh God Oh God. I summoned my kids while the ER staff prepared him for our goodbye.
Having received oxygen immediately upon our arrival, in addition to the stress of his separation from me, the insertion of the catheter, and the sickness that was attacking from his lungs, and my boy came to us confused, distressed, and clearly afraid.
I called him to me and he came, relieved to be reunited with his Pack Leader. Panting and breathing heavily, he looked from face to face, comforted by the presence of his Pack - perhaps realizing his fight was now going to end. Finally.
My baby. My buddy. My first dog since childhood. The puppy who saved me from heartache four years ago, the beautiful, innocent, sweet companion who never left my side was now needing me to save him - despite the heartache it would bring back to me.
Stroking him, holding him, praying for peace at last, I told him he didn't have to suffer now, that he wasn't going to be sick any more or ever again, that he could once again enjoy peanut butter kongs, meaty flavorful bones, and all the food and water he needed to fill his belly. Knowing it would never equal the heart full of unconditional love he never ceased to show me.
He licked the tears from my face, from Bird's face, and looked again at each of us as Bird rocked him in her arms, crying. Looking into the rich brown eyes already draining of life, I said good night to my boy.
There, in Bird's arms, he fell.
Oh Riley. You will be forever in my heart, your place in our Pack will always be honored, and you will never cease being my best friend.
I love you Pal.
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