Com·pat·i·bil·ity? What's That?

Com·pat·i·ble

[kuhm-pat-uh-buhl]

adjective

1. capable of existing or living together in harmony.

Hmmm. Ok, duh. What I really want to know is how do you know if you are really compatible with someone? I mean, you meet; there's attraction + chemestry, you laugh & have fun, you can't wait to see her again, she thinks your kid "fucking rocks", you break beds in the bedroom... then all of a sudden, you know, you're packing the U-Haul and planning a wedding.

You being me. [Of course]

But that doesn't mean you are compatible. Or that you're right for each other and should settle down. Or that you should even continue to casually date.

Don't get me wrong, I have never bought into the whole "ooooh, we were meant to be together" dogma, so what gives? I make it 42 years and suffer two failed marriages

[neither of which were my fault of course]

[Tongue entirely in cheek - for one out of two anyway]

before realizing compatibility is more than just "getting along"? Apparently a lot more. So I never asked myself. I never wondered what my ideal mate would 'look' like. I never questioned if it was personality, or lifestyle, or belief system that would hold you together long-term. One thing I did know,

I do know,

[and I don't know, I may have learned this, or the opposite of this (?) from a Beattle's song]

love is never enough.

But, and you're going to love this, it wasn't even the demise of my marriage to D1 that got me thinking about compatibility or what it really takes to make a relationship work long-term. All I knew after that disappointment was that I didn't want another serious romantic relationship. No way. No how.

At least not for a long time,

aka after Bird graduated from high school, + 100 years

and even then I will have played the field and dated several people before settling on The One.

There I go again."The One." * Scoff * Another bullshit fairy tale used to sell greeting cards if you ask me,

which of course you didn't since I'm talking to myself and don't suffer from multiple-personality disorder, at least that I know of

but okay, 'the one' in lower case as in 'the one' who makes me want to spend all of my time with her and no one else. Without need of a U-Hual or feeling personally impacted by Ref 74 passing.

So enough of this "Leo's are Loyal" and ofcourseIdon'thaveaproblemwithcommittment nonesense. You don't have to be a one woman, uh woman, until you meet the woman who you think you are compatible with.

[There's that word again]

But I digress. Really.

What made me take stock in all of this heavy-duty

"YesILikeYouButThatDoesn'tMeanWe'reCompatible"

business was a short story by Nicola Griffith called It Takes Two that I read a couple of days ago. This passage, in particular, spoke volumes to me, work of fiction, or not (which it is):

"There are hundreds of studies that show how powerful sex bonding can be, especially for women. If a woman has an orgasm in the presence of another person, her hormonal output for the next few days is sensitized to her lover: every time they walk in the room, her system floods with chemical messengers like oxytocin saying Friend! Friend! This is even with people you know, consciously, aren't good for you. You put that together with someone compatible, who fits-whether they really fit or just seem to fit- and it's a chemical bond with the potential to be human superglue" (Griffith, p. 31-32).

HELLO! DingDingDingDingDing!

But what does it all mean?

New paradigm needed, obviously.

But more than that. You'll never really know if you're compatible or not, until you have invested the time to find out, until you have lived as if She was The One.

And if it turns out that she isn't? Well, it certainly doesn't mean you failed. It means you just weren't compatible.

I like it. Because it means you I tried.

Reference

 (sorry, APA formatting habits die hard):

Giffith, N. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://nicolagriffith.com/ItTakesTwo_GRIFFITH.pdf

Nothing a Little Rice with Milk & Sugar Won't Fix...

...While watching the Avengers. Or Thor. Maybe both.

Or will it?

Right.

Pity Party for one begins now.

My life sucks.

Riley is still gone. And he is still isn't coming back. And not a day goes by when I don't think of him or hurt from missing him or wonder how he has only been gone for five months when it feels like forever. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder if he is still with me or hope he hasn't forgotten me or forgotten that he will always be my forever best friend.

I still haven't filed my dissolution paperwork. Because I don't know who I am. Or who I should be. Keep Stewart? Go back to Trosper? There's always the Maiden. Maybe make up something new? Why pay for the dissolution and a name change when I can do it all at once? Right.

Speaking of my estranged wife. She still lives with another instant family, and in fact is moving with them from the state she left here for in order to be with all her blood family. So much for real family when the new woman (who supposedly makes LESS money then she does working at Lowes) gets offered a job in Tenneefuckingsee. So that's where they're moving to. Can you imagine that? For a job that is beneath LOWES? And oh yeah, they just got back from DISNEYLAND. Yet she can't help me with the cost of the dissolution or take he whom we both promised to take despite her two income household to my one.

Because I still have no goddamn money thanks to the price I pay to feed my family and a house that is too big for me and too much for me and is impossible to heat. Honestly, this economy is killing me, there is no other explanation: I make too much to be suffering this much, especially since I don't have a single credit card and I haven't even started paying for my brilliant education yet.

Then there's my house. My real house. Le Monde. The World that is still in foreclosure because you never really knew the person you gave your heart and soul to for seven years. Because she, being the complete and total fucknut that she pretended not to be but always will be, continues to screw you in every way imaginable.

And because there are still people I feel I can't let in (or feel I have to end up kicking out). Because they only end up hurting me. Disappointing me. Forsaking me. Going completely dickass on me. Giving themselves the right to tell me what I'm doing wrong, how I should do it differently - because only they have the answers, because they feel turning the mirror to my face will point out every bit of crazy I don't see with my own eyes. Because I clearly don't know what's wrong when it's wrong. Because I obviously don't have the fuckwithall to even ask for their opinion, advise, or help. God save us.

Did I mention I want my dog back? My best dog? In fact I need my dog. To lick my face and love me and let me hug him until the tears dry. Because only he will do.

Then there's Safeway. Albertsons. Fred Meyer. Where there isn't so much as a trace of any of my favorite fruit. And I miss it. I want it. I need my fruit. Dammitall whatamIsupposetodo?

Ah. But one thing has changed. Bird's dad is out of my basement and living in transitional veterans housing. Hallalejuah.

Fuck. And yeah. Brilliant.

Mother Earth carries on.

Ashes, One Month Old

Dear Pack Mom,

One month ago, after gallantly fighting megaesophogus for over three months, I started sneezing. There was green coming out of my nose. I knew you would be scared, but I also knew you would do what needed to be done to take care of me.

It only got worse when I couldn't catch my breath as we sped to the Emergency Hospital. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The pain and fear coming from your entire being made me want to comfort you. I'm sorry I couldn't.

Thankfully, the people that gave me oxygen and took care of me in my final hours were nice, and caring, and very gentle with me. I know it was difficult for them to give you such a grim prognosis, and for you to hear it. You made the right choice. For me.

When they brought me to you to say goodbye, and you and Bird were crying, I hope my final kisses upon your face helped the tears dry up. Having Uncle Scott and Mother Hen there convinced me that you and Bird would make it home okay, and I was comforted by their presence.

In that moment, I felt at peace.
In that moment, I was ready to go.
In that moment, I loved you and my pack more then ever.

In that moment, we said goodbye, and I have been waiting for you ever since. But here I am no longer hungry. I'm no longer thirsty. I'm no longer trying to satiate an insatiable need. And you no longer have to clean up, or sit up, or bare the constant frustration this disease brought to our Pack.

Win-Win Mom, Win-Win. 

It is sad that my time in the Pack was cut short, but what a time it was. I love you mom, now and always. Even though I know you will never stop missing me, just remember, I will always be your dog and we will be together again.

Riley

i ' m H U R T i n g

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
                 - Coldplay "The Scientist"

I was doing okay. You know. Talking to him on occasion, as I held my hand over his remains, looking at his paw print. It's only been two weeks...

And then I had to get in the freezer for an ice pack for my lunch. There was a bag of ice chips I'd crushed and kept on hand because he couldn't drink water... My poor boy, he couldn't even drink water.

The ice set me back. And now all I can do is cry.

*Head in Hands*

Hey Bud,

Dr. McNeal and Dr. Hoffman and all the girls at the place you got all too familiar with over the past five months sent a condolence card to me, which arrived today. The entire staff at the hospital where we said goodbye did too, and it also arrived today. I hurt in my heart reading them, and I missed you in that moment more then I have allowed myself to miss you thus far. I knew I needed to cry really bad, but I wouldn't let myself, or I just couldn't, and that made the pain deeper.

Your friend MK called me, and only then was I ready, only then could I let it out. I cried into my hands, with her just there, listening. She and I aren't going to be as close as we were, at least not in the same way, but she was there for me in the only way she could be, because I needed her. Which is what happened when you went to sleep for the last time. It's in these times that I need her the most, but her living in flux on the Peninsula just doesn't make it possible, forcing us to realize we really can't be together in the way we want to be. She was great with you though, wasn't she Poppy? Remember that contraption she made for you out of an old lady's walker? Poor boy, your hip displasia sure made eating and remaining vertical for 20-40 minutes our biggest obstacle as we fought this disease, but she tried, didn't she? And I loved her for it.

*Sigh* Did you know I touch your urn every day, several times a day? Not when I pass it by, but on purpose, for no reason, I'll just find myself there with my hand over your name. Sometimes I run my finger along the imprint of your paw, and I wonder where you are, really. I wonder why you had to get this illness, why you had to get sick, why you had to die, why you had to leave me. It's not fair I want to scream, and would if I could. I hope you know I did everything I could for you. And I never wanted to let you go Pal. Not ever.

*Head in hands* I'm meeting with JK again. She's helping me deal with the grief and, well the other stuff I have to work on. During our session this week, a little birdie flew up to the open window ledge, and sat listening as I spoke. When she pointed him out, I looked up. As she started to say how she has been in that office for seven years and always opens the window in the summer and has never had a birdie come there and perch like that, how curious it was that he sat there listening, turning his head this way and that as I talked.... Well it was right then that I had a feeling that little birdie was you.

Don't Cry For Me Argentina

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to report that the budding romance between The Pack Mom and MK is no longer. Deal breakers = Distance. Time. Attention. Needs.

What started magically a couple of months ago showed so much promise, such potential, but these are not the only two people on the planet capable of producing chemistry, and now, without a doubt, our heroine knows she is ready to See and Be Seen. And she still doesn't need to settle or jump into anything serious on the 2nd or even 3rd date ;)

Moreover, our fearless leader is convinced that MK came into her life when she did because Ex-h needed a champion in a bad way. More then what this couple taught each other and learned about themselves during the course of their eye opening affair, getting Ex-h on his feet and in a direction leading out of the Pack's basement was a gift greater then any the Pack could have dreamed into existence.

So. What's next for our heroine? Stay tuned....

Dear Riley,

The emergency hospital called with news today. Your *remains* were ready to be picked up.

Oh God Oh God Oh God

I knew this day would be hard. The final nail in the coffin so to speak.

This was it Buddy. You were never coming home to me. Ever. Again.

My best boy, now reduced to ashes in a box. Or in something. I haven't had the heart or nerve to look inside the nice white paper bag they handed me as I signed on the dotted line. "Best to wait for Bird & Mother Hen" I reasoned with myself "so we can pay proper tribute to you being reunited with us in a different form."

Damn you ME and your partner in crime AP. We will never forgive you. Ever.

Why man, why did this have to happen to you? To us? Damn.

It's not your fault Pal, it's not anyone's fault, but I am still so sorry. You were such a good boy, the best, and you can be proud of the dog's work you did here on Earth.

*Head in Hands*

I sure do miss you Ri.

You, as we knew you, will never be back. But we have more then just happy memories now, now we have a physcial symbol that represents your beautiful doggy form to go with the feeling of your presence that has followed us, your Pack, your family, since you were taken away so abrupty.

That is where you will remain. Always. *Right here* holding my hand over my heart.

I'll never forget you Riley.