Things You Should Never Say

When my brother and I were little, and my dad was out to sea, the day-to-day would inevitably become too much for her to bear. Given that I have little memories of him not at sea,

(except of course that she was often this way when he was home, and I've forgotten that he spent all his home time hiding in the garage with a 12 pack of beer)

life was always in an apparent state of unbearableness.

And unfortunately for my brother and me, you were never quite sure what might set her off.

Maybe we ran out of milk. Maybe we hadn't done our chores. Maybe, as soon as she came in the door, we wanted to know what was for dinner.

Innocent, kids being kids. In other words, it was nothing.

Every day, there was ranting and raving to be had. Sometimes she said the most horrible, hurtful, mean-spirited things. Things you should never say to another human being much less your own babies. Sometimes she did more then cause emotional pain. And then, she would say, she just wanted to run away.

I have come to realize only now that she didn't want to run away from us.
She wanted to run away from herself.

At least that is what I have decided to tell myself.