Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Nothing a Little Rice with Milk & Sugar Won't Fix...

...While watching the Avengers. Or Thor. Maybe both.

Or will it?


Pity Party for one begins now.

My life sucks.

Riley is still gone. And he is still isn't coming back. And not a day goes by when I don't think of him or hurt from missing him or wonder how he has only been gone for five months when it feels like forever. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder if he is still with me or hope he hasn't forgotten me or forgotten that he will always be my forever best friend.

I still haven't filed my dissolution paperwork. Because I don't know who I am. Or who I should be. Keep Stewart? Go back to Trosper? There's always the Maiden. Maybe make up something new? Why pay for the dissolution and a name change when I can do it all at once? Right.

Speaking of my estranged wife. She still lives with another instant family, and in fact is moving with them from the state she left here for in order to be with all her blood family. So much for real family when the new woman (who supposedly makes LESS money then she does working at Lowes) gets offered a job in Tenneefuckingsee. So that's where they're moving to. Can you imagine that? For a job that is beneath LOWES? And oh yeah, they just got back from DISNEYLAND. Yet she can't help me with the cost of the dissolution or take he whom we both promised to take despite her two income household to my one.

Because I still have no goddamn money thanks to the price I pay to feed my family and a house that is too big for me and too much for me and is impossible to heat. Honestly, this economy is killing me, there is no other explanation: I make too much to be suffering this much, especially since I don't have a single credit card and I haven't even started paying for my brilliant education yet.

Then there's my house. My real house. Le Monde. The World that is still in foreclosure because you never really knew the person you gave your heart and soul to for seven years. Because she, being the complete and total fucknut that she pretended not to be but always will be, continues to screw you in every way imaginable.

And because there are still people I feel I can't let in (or feel I have to end up kicking out). Because they only end up hurting me. Disappointing me. Forsaking me. Going completely dickass on me. Giving themselves the right to tell me what I'm doing wrong, how I should do it differently - because only they have the answers, because they feel turning the mirror to my face will point out every bit of crazy I don't see with my own eyes. Because I clearly don't know what's wrong when it's wrong. Because I obviously don't have the fuckwithall to even ask for their opinion, advise, or help. God save us.

Did I mention I want my dog back? My best dog? In fact I need my dog. To lick my face and love me and let me hug him until the tears dry. Because only he will do.

Then there's Safeway. Albertsons. Fred Meyer. Where there isn't so much as a trace of any of my favorite fruit. And I miss it. I want it. I need my fruit. Dammitall whatamIsupposetodo?

Ah. But one thing has changed. Bird's dad is out of my basement and living in transitional veterans housing. Hallalejuah.

Fuck. And yeah. Brilliant.

Mother Earth carries on.