Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Ashes, One Month Old

Dear Pack Mom,

One month ago, after gallantly fighting megaesophogus for over three months, I started sneezing. There was green coming out of my nose. I knew you would be scared, but I also knew you would do what needed to be done to take care of me.

It only got worse when I couldn't catch my breath as we sped to the Emergency Hospital. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The pain and fear coming from your entire being made me want to comfort you. I'm sorry I couldn't.

Thankfully, the people that gave me oxygen and took care of me in my final hours were nice, and caring, and very gentle with me. I know it was difficult for them to give you such a grim prognosis, and for you to hear it. You made the right choice. For me.

When they brought me to you to say goodbye, and you and Bird were crying, I hope my final kisses upon your face helped the tears dry up. Having Uncle Scott and Mother Hen there convinced me that you and Bird would make it home okay, and I was comforted by their presence.

In that moment, I felt at peace.
In that moment, I was ready to go.
In that moment, I loved you and my pack more then ever.

In that moment, we said goodbye, and I have been waiting for you ever since. But here I am no longer hungry. I'm no longer thirsty. I'm no longer trying to satiate an insatiable need. And you no longer have to clean up, or sit up, or bare the constant frustration this disease brought to our Pack.

Win-Win Mom, Win-Win. 

It is sad that my time in the Pack was cut short, but what a time it was. I love you mom, now and always. Even though I know you will never stop missing me, just remember, I will always be your dog and we will be together again.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

i ' m H U R T i n g

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
                 - Coldplay "The Scientist"

I was doing okay. You know. Talking to him on occasion, as I held my hand over his remains, looking at his paw print. It's only been two weeks...

And then I had to get in the freezer for an ice pack for my lunch. There was a bag of ice chips I'd crushed and kept on hand because he couldn't drink water... My poor boy, he couldn't even drink water.

The ice set me back. And now all I can do is cry.

*Head in Hands*

Friday, June 1, 2012

Hey Bud,

Dr. McNeal and Dr. Hoffman and all the girls at the place you got all too familiar with over the past five months sent a condolence card to me, which arrived today. The entire staff at the hospital where we said goodbye did too, and it also arrived today. I hurt in my heart reading them, and I missed you in that moment more then I have allowed myself to miss you thus far. I knew I needed to cry really bad, but I wouldn't let myself, or I just couldn't, and that made the pain deeper.

Your friend MK called me, and only then was I ready, only then could I let it out. I cried into my hands, with her just there, listening. She and I aren't going to be as close as we were, at least not in the same way, but she was there for me in the only way she could be, because I needed her. Which is what happened when you went to sleep for the last time. It's in these times that I need her the most, but her living in flux on the Peninsula just doesn't make it possible, forcing us to realize we really can't be together in the way we want to be. She was great with you though, wasn't she Poppy? Remember that contraption she made for you out of an old lady's walker? Poor boy, your hip displasia sure made eating and remaining vertical for 20-40 minutes our biggest obstacle as we fought this disease, but she tried, didn't she? And I loved her for it.

*Sigh* Did you know I touch your urn every day, several times a day? Not when I pass it by, but on purpose, for no reason, I'll just find myself there with my hand over your name. Sometimes I run my finger along the imprint of your paw, and I wonder where you are, really. I wonder why you had to get this illness, why you had to get sick, why you had to die, why you had to leave me. It's not fair I want to scream, and would if I could. I hope you know I did everything I could for you. And I never wanted to let you go Pal. Not ever.

*Head in hands* I'm meeting with JK again. She's helping me deal with the grief and, well the other stuff I have to work on. During our session this week, a little birdie flew up to the open window ledge, and sat listening as I spoke. When she pointed him out, I looked up. As she started to say how she has been in that office for seven years and always opens the window in the summer and has never had a birdie come there and perch like that, how curious it was that he sat there listening, turning his head this way and that as I talked.... Well it was right then that I had a feeling that little birdie was you.