Reinventing: Me

So here is what happened.

I created this blog to talk about my Pack adventures. I find writing to be a stress relieving outlet and I enjoy it.

As it happens, my best friend in the whole-wide world got sick. I spent four months attempting in vain to beat an unbeatable condition - using this vehicle to somehow make sense of it all until the very end. Then, it became a safe place for me to mourn and basically feel sorry for myself over the course of the next 12 months, subjecting the blogosphere to my bitter and whoa-is-me battology.

But I am more than that.
My Pack is more than that.
And Riley is a happy memory.

I've since earned a BS in Business Management and an AA in Accounting. The loans of which have resulted in the basic undoing of my social life, but I digress.

My beautiful, intelligent, unique, creative, inspiring, athletic, outspoken, silly little Bird is graduating from High School. In less than two weeks! She has espoused her place on the Autism spectrum, and, through understanding Aspergers, she has come to understand herself. Watching her mature and offering guidance during this next phase of her adolescence will create a new paradigm for us both.

D1 and I are officially divorced. And I genuinely wish her and her current brood the best.

I am still completely in love with my job and I could not ask for a better boss. Problem is I worked in earnest on my degrees and have not challenged myself professionally in nearly ten years. Fervently, I'm emerging from my little cocoon on Lake Washington to avail myself new opportunities.

Loki, as super puppy and beguiler, has completely won me over. He's smart, energetic, fun, trainable, a fantastic ball player, a superb swimmer, and! he thinks I can do no wrong.

There is a Somewhat Significant Someone in my life who has helped me redefine what friendship is and what "it's complicated" means. I'm cool with how we interact in the world, although I admit it has taken me some time to not feel as though we're in the closet. Assuming she isn't actually ashamed of me, I'm happy.

Cooking Feeding people (and searching out new recipes) is still a passion despite my self-imposed Anti Chef moniker. These days I'm more inclined to try new flavor combinations and experiment with Bird's vegetarianism then make do with cereal or the occasional grilled cheese. I have worked on not getting caught up in what anyone else thinks about the food - instead appreciating my own effort and dissecting how I might have done it differently (especially if it was crap). Expect more blogging in this arena as I'm once again infatuated with Pinterest and am branching out in the kitchen every day.

So. Here we are. I think that's a good start, don't you?

Since 5/20/2012

Dear Riley,

It's been a year now since our long battle with Megaesphogus ended, and complications from Aspirated Pneumonia stole you away from us. I try really hard not to think about that last day, or any of those heartbreaking days since you got sick, focusing instead on all the contributions you made to our lives in such a short time.

You were a beautiful, friendly, fun-loving, and playful dog; truly, my best friend, and I know you are forever with us in spirit.

<3

Riley? Are You There?

I miss you so much Ri. I'm angry today, that you are gone. That's because I need you Ryes. Don't you know how alone I am without you?

I look back over the year and it's like it was yesterday. But yesterday was almost an eternity ago. That's how it feels.

Sometimes Loki will do something, and I wonder, is that you? are you in there? Even if you are, he isn't.

I just. I don't know. I feel lost Pal. Nothing is the same. Never will be.

I miss you Poppy. It still hurts how much.

Don't stop watching us, from where ever you are.

Com·pat·i·bil·ity? What's That?

Com·pat·i·ble

[kuhm-pat-uh-buhl]

adjective

1. capable of existing or living together in harmony.

Hmmm. Ok, duh. What I really want to know is how do you know if you are really compatible with someone? I mean, you meet; there's attraction + chemestry, you laugh & have fun, you can't wait to see her again, she thinks your kid "fucking rocks", you break beds in the bedroom... then all of a sudden, you know, you're packing the U-Haul and planning a wedding.

You being me. [Of course]

But that doesn't mean you are compatible. Or that you're right for each other and should settle down. Or that you should even continue to casually date.

Don't get me wrong, I have never bought into the whole "ooooh, we were meant to be together" dogma, so what gives? I make it 42 years and suffer two failed marriages

[neither of which were my fault of course]

[Tongue entirely in cheek - for one out of two anyway]

before realizing compatibility is more than just "getting along"? Apparently a lot more. So I never asked myself. I never wondered what my ideal mate would 'look' like. I never questioned if it was personality, or lifestyle, or belief system that would hold you together long-term. One thing I did know,

I do know,

[and I don't know, I may have learned this, or the opposite of this (?) from a Beattle's song]

love is never enough.

But, and you're going to love this, it wasn't even the demise of my marriage to D1 that got me thinking about compatibility or what it really takes to make a relationship work long-term. All I knew after that disappointment was that I didn't want another serious romantic relationship. No way. No how.

At least not for a long time,

aka after Bird graduated from high school, + 100 years

and even then I will have played the field and dated several people before settling on The One.

There I go again."The One." * Scoff * Another bullshit fairy tale used to sell greeting cards if you ask me,

which of course you didn't since I'm talking to myself and don't suffer from multiple-personality disorder, at least that I know of

but okay, 'the one' in lower case as in 'the one' who makes me want to spend all of my time with her and no one else. Without need of a U-Hual or feeling personally impacted by Ref 74 passing.

So enough of this "Leo's are Loyal" and ofcourseIdon'thaveaproblemwithcommittment nonesense. You don't have to be a one woman, uh woman, until you meet the woman who you think you are compatible with.

[There's that word again]

But I digress. Really.

What made me take stock in all of this heavy-duty

"YesILikeYouButThatDoesn'tMeanWe'reCompatible"

business was a short story by Nicola Griffith called It Takes Two that I read a couple of days ago. This passage, in particular, spoke volumes to me, work of fiction, or not (which it is):

"There are hundreds of studies that show how powerful sex bonding can be, especially for women. If a woman has an orgasm in the presence of another person, her hormonal output for the next few days is sensitized to her lover: every time they walk in the room, her system floods with chemical messengers like oxytocin saying Friend! Friend! This is even with people you know, consciously, aren't good for you. You put that together with someone compatible, who fits-whether they really fit or just seem to fit- and it's a chemical bond with the potential to be human superglue" (Griffith, p. 31-32).

HELLO! DingDingDingDingDing!

But what does it all mean?

New paradigm needed, obviously.

But more than that. You'll never really know if you're compatible or not, until you have invested the time to find out, until you have lived as if She was The One.

And if it turns out that she isn't? Well, it certainly doesn't mean you failed. It means you just weren't compatible.

I like it. Because it means you I tried.

Reference

 (sorry, APA formatting habits die hard):

Giffith, N. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://nicolagriffith.com/ItTakesTwo_GRIFFITH.pdf

Nothing a Little Rice with Milk & Sugar Won't Fix...

...While watching the Avengers. Or Thor. Maybe both.

Or will it?

Right.

Pity Party for one begins now.

My life sucks.

Riley is still gone. And he is still isn't coming back. And not a day goes by when I don't think of him or hurt from missing him or wonder how he has only been gone for five months when it feels like forever. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder if he is still with me or hope he hasn't forgotten me or forgotten that he will always be my forever best friend.

I still haven't filed my dissolution paperwork. Because I don't know who I am. Or who I should be. Keep Stewart? Go back to Trosper? There's always the Maiden. Maybe make up something new? Why pay for the dissolution and a name change when I can do it all at once? Right.

Speaking of my estranged wife. She still lives with another instant family, and in fact is moving with them from the state she left here for in order to be with all her blood family. So much for real family when the new woman (who supposedly makes LESS money then she does working at Lowes) gets offered a job in Tenneefuckingsee. So that's where they're moving to. Can you imagine that? For a job that is beneath LOWES? And oh yeah, they just got back from DISNEYLAND. Yet she can't help me with the cost of the dissolution or take he whom we both promised to take despite her two income household to my one.

Because I still have no goddamn money thanks to the price I pay to feed my family and a house that is too big for me and too much for me and is impossible to heat. Honestly, this economy is killing me, there is no other explanation: I make too much to be suffering this much, especially since I don't have a single credit card and I haven't even started paying for my brilliant education yet.

Then there's my house. My real house. Le Monde. The World that is still in foreclosure because you never really knew the person you gave your heart and soul to for seven years. Because she, being the complete and total fucknut that she pretended not to be but always will be, continues to screw you in every way imaginable.

And because there are still people I feel I can't let in (or feel I have to end up kicking out). Because they only end up hurting me. Disappointing me. Forsaking me. Going completely dickass on me. Giving themselves the right to tell me what I'm doing wrong, how I should do it differently - because only they have the answers, because they feel turning the mirror to my face will point out every bit of crazy I don't see with my own eyes. Because I clearly don't know what's wrong when it's wrong. Because I obviously don't have the fuckwithall to even ask for their opinion, advise, or help. God save us.

Did I mention I want my dog back? My best dog? In fact I need my dog. To lick my face and love me and let me hug him until the tears dry. Because only he will do.

Then there's Safeway. Albertsons. Fred Meyer. Where there isn't so much as a trace of any of my favorite fruit. And I miss it. I want it. I need my fruit. Dammitall whatamIsupposetodo?

Ah. But one thing has changed. Bird's dad is out of my basement and living in transitional veterans housing. Hallalejuah.

Fuck. And yeah. Brilliant.

Mother Earth carries on.

Ashes, One Month Old

Dear Pack Mom,

One month ago, after gallantly fighting megaesophogus for over three months, I started sneezing. There was green coming out of my nose. I knew you would be scared, but I also knew you would do what needed to be done to take care of me.

It only got worse when I couldn't catch my breath as we sped to the Emergency Hospital. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The pain and fear coming from your entire being made me want to comfort you. I'm sorry I couldn't.

Thankfully, the people that gave me oxygen and took care of me in my final hours were nice, and caring, and very gentle with me. I know it was difficult for them to give you such a grim prognosis, and for you to hear it. You made the right choice. For me.

When they brought me to you to say goodbye, and you and Bird were crying, I hope my final kisses upon your face helped the tears dry up. Having Uncle Scott and Mother Hen there convinced me that you and Bird would make it home okay, and I was comforted by their presence.

In that moment, I felt at peace.
In that moment, I was ready to go.
In that moment, I loved you and my pack more then ever.

In that moment, we said goodbye, and I have been waiting for you ever since. But here I am no longer hungry. I'm no longer thirsty. I'm no longer trying to satiate an insatiable need. And you no longer have to clean up, or sit up, or bare the constant frustration this disease brought to our Pack.

Win-Win Mom, Win-Win. 

It is sad that my time in the Pack was cut short, but what a time it was. I love you mom, now and always. Even though I know you will never stop missing me, just remember, I will always be your dog and we will be together again.

Riley

i ' m H U R T i n g

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
                 - Coldplay "The Scientist"

I was doing okay. You know. Talking to him on occasion, as I held my hand over his remains, looking at his paw print. It's only been two weeks...

And then I had to get in the freezer for an ice pack for my lunch. There was a bag of ice chips I'd crushed and kept on hand because he couldn't drink water... My poor boy, he couldn't even drink water.

The ice set me back. And now all I can do is cry.

*Head in Hands*